istockphoto.com / VizerskayaLife has always been an incredibly bumpy ride. It can go from being downright cruel one day, to magnificent the next. And it can hand you days where you feel like you are permanently wrecked. But, the truth of the matter is that, life will never hand us things that we won’t be…
Life is a constant journey of finding our soul’s purpose. It’s our one mission or job in this life. For some people, they find their purpose at a really early age and for the others it takes some time. I’m currently with the latter. Although I can’t always say that I felt that way. From a pretty early age I felt that I had deep connections to things that I thought would lead me to my soul purpose in life. Those two main things were reading and writing. I’ve loved to read and write for as along as I can remember. Reading is just who I am. It’s a part of what I am made out of and the same goes for writing. They basically go hand in hand. Sadly, I’ve only had time to read more than write. Writing gets a bad rap because we all relate writing to homework and school essays. But true and genuine straight from the heart and soul writing is what I live for.
In these days of still struggling to find my purpose, I’m still clinging to reading and writing because they are all I know. They are the only things that I feel I am good at in this life. And I don’t mean in a mediocre way. They are the only things that I feel my soul genuinely reach for. And at one point in my life I thought that my writing and love for books was going to get me where I wanted to be in life. But the sad reality is they haven’t brought me my purpose and I’m still on my soul searching journey.
Recently, I’ve had one of those moments where you reflect on your life and where you are at. And I can tell you it’s not fun and it gets emotional but it’s a necessary evil. What I learned is that I’m letting other people dictate my life. I’m allowing other people’s thoughts and ideas about how to “live” my life effect the one life I’m trying to live and that’s MY OWN LIFE. The one that is 100% genuinely and authentically my own life. I know there are some fundamental needs in life that are necessary in order to survive and that the easiest way to achieve that is to get a typical 9-5. But the thought of getting that “typical job,” and slave to the clock literally makes my soul cry. And it’s not because I don’t like to work. I love to work when it’s for something I love! Because as the saying goes, “When you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.” That’s truly what I’m aiming for. A life fully and authentically myself where I can be happy no matter what the circumstances may be.
In these moments of finding whatever it is I’m looking for, I knew my happiness was being wiped away because of the harsh society that we live in. Why should any of us judge anyone on how they want to live their own life? Of course that’s not to say you should just be floating through life like a log or being reckless. Because we all have this mission on this earth and that’s to find the life that makes us happy. And for each one of us that’s a totally different thing and I truly believe that one day I’m going to find total happiness where all aspects of my life match up. For now, I’m going to smile at those that bring me down or those that silently, or not so silently, judge me and my life. Because until you have walked a day in my shoes don’t for a second think that you know anything about me or my life. You can’t possibly know about the hours I spent trying to find this life I’m supposed to live and how many tears I’ve shed over the countless rejections I’ve received. Everyone has a different journey on this planet and we all deserve to walk the journey happy.
I think I’m definitely dealing with some perspective issues. I often try to tell myself, and other people, that you just need some perspective. You know, it’s not that bad if you just put things into perspective.
And then sometimes I find that I have a grudge issue. Sounds ominous, but what I am trying to get at is that I can’t seem to shake being slighted. I don’t take being slighted so easy and I imagine most people don’t. I’m pretty sure holding a grudge runs in my family. On the surface, I can mostly put the grudge away. I can put a “blanket” over it, so to speak… but I can never really bury it or release it into the universe. I can’t take the grudge and just let it be what it is and move on with my life.
I tend to run into these perspective/ grudge problems more often then I would like too. I’m trying to teach myself that a little dose of perspective everyday will help you not to over react when it is not necessary. However, it’s definitely easier said then done.
Being the youngest in the family, on all ends, has greatly impacted my life. It’s not something I really want to dive deeper into… I just thought that bringing it up would provide you with some perspective on how this blog post came to be. For some reason I’m finding it hard to allow myself to really write about my own personal struggles because I feel like releasing it into the universe would do more harm then good. It’s like those kinds of feelings are behind lock and key at all times and can’t see the light of day.
Life has hardened me tremendously. In some good ways and some bad ways. I’ve learned to stick up for myself and allow no bullshit to enter my personal space. I won’t allow any nonsense. But that’s not always the fun thing to be. No one wants to hang around with the grudge holder; the one who can’t stop throwing insults at those who hurt her. I’m proud of who I have grown into, but I just wish I could find it in me to just release some of the tension.
Hopefully, you were able to make some sense out of this post. Essentially, my point is that I need to apply perspective to things I am finding rather troubling and if I can’t find it, then just walk away.
Happy New Year 2015!
My last post was definitely a depressing one. It’s really hard to write what you’re feeling, but as I’ve learned it’s the only way I know how to heal. Since writing that last post I’ve spotted a glimmer of the rainbow that I alluded to at the end of the last post. What that rainbow refers to is the fact that I’m actually no longer unemployed. I’ve waited probably close to 3 years to say that. It’s been a long time coming. And I don’t know why it had to be that way but sometimes there are things in life you will never understand and that’s something you just have to live with and move on from.
It’s been a long road to get to this point. Now in full disclosure, my job is in retail but I’m in a management position and making enough money to afford to lease a brand new car. Those two things right there are enough to make me smile from ear to ear. I’ve wanted a new car for years now and I just never had the money to do it. My car was almost 17 years old and had seen much better days. It needed repairs that were going to cost me a pretty penny and so I felt it was time to send it in and trade it for a new one since I felt I could take on that financial challenge. I’m still nervous about it because I’ve only been at my new job for just shy of 2 months. It’s not a long time and I’m always afraid something bad is going to happen because let’s face it not much can be guaranteed in my life anymore. I’m trying really hard to be the best I can at my new job and I really want to excel. Sometimes it’s hard to focus at work because I’m constantly thinking of what if something bad happens and then I’m out of a job? What’s my next move? When am I going to get my career based job that I’ve always dreamed of?
There are so many what-ifs in my life. But I want to make a resolution for the year 2015… I want to try my hardest to not stress about the future but to live in the present and enjoy every moment. To put my best effort into everything that I do. To prove that I’m worthy of a fair chance at life and to be thankful for everything that I’m blessed with. I don’t want to stress anymore and be constantly afraid to live my life. I want to enjoy it, embrace it and make the most of it. I just want to feel alive with a purpose.
I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been battling some severe anxiety issues. I’ve also been holding off this post because writing makes all my emotions rise to the surface and honestly, I can’t handle anymore tears.
Currently, I am an unemployed college graduate. I have a bachelor’s degree and can’t even get a job at Bath and Body Works… what the hell is that about. They want you to practically wipe your ass with their products. Well, they can kiss mine.
I’ve been struggling lately trying to figure out who I am and what I should be doing. I feel like I’m living in my worst nightmare. I’ve always pictured my future but never like this. Sometimes I suspected that maybe it would be like this because I’m not the luckiest person around but believe me I was trying really hard to not let this happen. I can’t even blame myself anymore. I feel like I’m on some don’t hire list. Everything seems good and then when you wait to hear back from them, you never do.
Sometimes I feel like I’m on the brink of insanity. Just completely letting go and just giving up. I can’t picture my life tomorrow let alone 5 years from now and that scares me. I feel beyond trapped. Like I’m permanently locked in a pitch black cave. I have little hope that I can make it through. The only thing I do have is my faith, my family and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend has been struggling with me. It’s not easy to deal with someone like me. I cry very easily because that is what depression does to you. It leaves you with nothing left but tears and pain. It strips all hope and happiness you thought life was made of. My boyfriend tries to be supportive and understanding and I know it’s not easy. It’s hard to talk to someone about these issues that make you feel so vulnerable. I want to be a strong and independent woman for him; and to let these very raw emotions come out of me, right in front of him, is very hard for me. Sometimes I feel like he would want to do better than me because right now I am the farthest thing from a good time. I’m Debbie- Way-Downer.
My family, especially my mom, is also very supportive. They have been supporting me in every way one person can be supported. And that again is something a strong an independent girl finds difficult to deal with. It’s hard to wake up every day feeling like a failure and having nothing to look forward too. Just another day trapped in the house and feeling utterly useless… I can see the disappoint and sadness on their faces and it eats me up inside.
I know this is one depressing post. But I do have some glimmer of hope. Something that I realized about myself, through all this, is that I am a very strong individual. I can handle, maybe not right away, but I can handle insurmountable odds that are stacked against me. I realize that I have to keep my head up and take it day by day. I know things look really bad and feel even worse but there is always rain before the rainbow and I hope mines right around the corner.
I feel like lately when I’ve turned on tv or read about anything in the media I have been truly saddened by how women are letting themselves be treated in the world. Between the Sam Pepper crap or pretty much anything having to do with the NFL, I get pretty bummed out about the state of women’s rights. I have been lucky in life because I grew up with a very caring father, a loving brother, some very strong women role models, and currently have a boyfriend who loves me and treats me with respect.
As a woman who has gained a small spotlight in the world, I want to set an example for other girls and let them know that who you are is worth fighting for. It will be a hard won battle, where people will constantly be trying to change who you are or tear you down…
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This is my life. The struggle since day 1.
1. Analyzing the “You look so thin!” comment on a picture.
Wait, do I actually…
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