Proud

Let’s just say that this semester was anything but ideal. It was a nightmare. A nearly 4 month long nightmare; that seemed never ending. I didn’t know if I was really going to be able to make it through sometimes. It was the most academically, mentally and emotionally challenging and draining semester. It was quite possibly the lowest point I have ever reached in my academic career.

I remember being so excited to start the semester. Only going two days a week and taking what seemed to be interesting classes, turned into a complete mess. I was crying almost every week. I was staying up late, getting up early and devoting everyday to school work. Whether it was reading, writing or researching. I was doing them all. Sometimes what felt like, all at once. I would start everyday on the wrong side of the bed. It’s such a deflating feeling, waking up everyday and knowing that there is so much to be done and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. There was no rest, no relaxation and no time for fun. If I was doing anything remotely selfish, it was because if I didn’t take a break every once in a while, I would have gone insane.

I never cried so much. I never prayed so much over school. Never imagined I would want out of something so badly. I was hoping that somehow, someway it would all disappear. My stress level was sky high and I thought at any minute I would com-bust from the tension. I took out my stress on my parents and sometimes my boyfriend. We didn’t go out much or do fun things together because every minute I was looking at a book or typing up a paper. It was so frustrating. I was becoming depressed. I didn’t know what the end of the semester was gonna look like cause I wasn’t sure if I would make it another day. Meaning, I wanted to drop out more than anything.

I can remember parking my car in the morning and spending those few minutes in my quiet car just to get my head together for the long day ahead. But most importantly, I remember thinking, I could drive away right now… far, far away and no one would notice. I wouldn’t miss a whole lot at school and if I did who cares; I would have a day all to my self and just feel free for the first time in a long time.  But school always won. It always had this way of pulling me back in. And that’s because of my perseverance. My insatiable fear to never fail. My drive to never give up has always been my biggest motivator.

I am finally done with the semester. The excruciating semester that brought me to the edge and I couldn’t be anymore proud of myself. I proved to myself that  I can do anything with the right attitude and the desire to achieve. I proved to my family that I am capable of being smart like they always knew I could be. I was a long journey and one that I have no regrets. I worked tirelessly through everyday of the semester, every weekend to prove to myself that I could so this. I could beat this semester up and show it who is boss. I proved myself by getting a 3.9 GPA. I couldn’t really ask for more.

I would love to tell my old self, back almost 4 months ago, to hold on to push through and smile, because all of this hard work will be worth it.

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