I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been battling some severe anxiety issues. I’ve also been holding off this post because writing makes all my emotions rise to the surface and honestly, I can’t handle anymore tears.
Currently, I am an unemployed college graduate. I have a bachelor’s degree and can’t even get a job at Bath and Body Works… what the hell is that about. They want you to practically wipe your ass with their products. Well, they can kiss mine.
I’ve been struggling lately trying to figure out who I am and what I should be doing. I feel like I’m living in my worst nightmare. I’ve always pictured my future but never like this. Sometimes I suspected that maybe it would be like this because I’m not the luckiest person around but believe me I was trying really hard to not let this happen. I can’t even blame myself anymore. I feel like I’m on some don’t hire list. Everything seems good and then when you wait to hear back from them, you never do.
Sometimes I feel like I’m on the brink of insanity. Just completely letting go and just giving up. I can’t picture my life tomorrow let alone 5 years from now and that scares me. I feel beyond trapped. Like I’m permanently locked in a pitch black cave. I have little hope that I can make it through. The only thing I do have is my faith, my family and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend has been struggling with me. It’s not easy to deal with someone like me. I cry very easily because that is what depression does to you. It leaves you with nothing left but tears and pain. It strips all hope and happiness you thought life was made of. My boyfriend tries to be supportive and understanding and I know it’s not easy. It’s hard to talk to someone about these issues that make you feel so vulnerable. I want to be a strong and independent woman for him; and to let these very raw emotions come out of me, right in front of him, is very hard for me. Sometimes I feel like he would want to do better than me because right now I am the farthest thing from a good time. I’m Debbie- Way-Downer.
My family, especially my mom, is also very supportive. They have been supporting me in every way one person can be supported. And that again is something a strong an independent girl finds difficult to deal with. It’s hard to wake up every day feeling like a failure and having nothing to look forward too. Just another day trapped in the house and feeling utterly useless… I can see the disappoint and sadness on their faces and it eats me up inside.
I know this is one depressing post. But I do have some glimmer of hope. Something that I realized about myself, through all this, is that I am a very strong individual. I can handle, maybe not right away, but I can handle insurmountable odds that are stacked against me. I realize that I have to keep my head up and take it day by day. I know things look really bad and feel even worse but there is always rain before the rainbow and I hope mines right around the corner.